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Monday, November 14th, 2005
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Wow, I haven't used this in forever...since I came out more..I started to use Xanga since alot more people I know in real life read that...this is mostly filled with people I have met online..from avidgamers especially..but I love all you guys too, so I'll write here for anyone that still cares. <3
Well, I'm in college now! College man now..yeah! Freshmen..living in dorms. Lol. It's so much fun though..I'm enjoying myself alot...I have my best friend here, I've made ALOT of new friends, I'm gone out to parties and clubs now...for the first time a club...gay club for that matter. Twice so far..yay. I'm meeting alot of people, gaining confidence, and doing different things in life I haven't done before. I keep changing for the better i'm hoping...I've been changing slowly for a long time, and I always get better. I'm not done growing and learning and experiencing things to make me a better, cooler, more intelligent, more attractive person...I'm not done at all. I'm not happy with myself yet..well fine..I kinda am, but not really..not enough at least. So I will keep striving for more. But I like my life alot right now...Can be better of course, always can...but It's really good. I can say I'm Great when someone asks how I am. yay....I'm going to go see Rent the movie and Avenue Q at Vegas! only two weeks!!! I"M SO EXCITED!!!!!!! I CAN"T WAIT!! YAY! hehe...Too bad I'm going to see Avenue Q bymyself..but oh well..still fun to go see it. hehe..Well ttyl...
-Jean
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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An entry...well...I stopped using this, and used XANGA for forever again...just because I opened up more with people I know in real life. So I let them read my stuff.
http://www.xanga.com/evilpitmaster
That's my xanga if you wanna read what has gone on in my life till now...
Well, just came to let everyone know I'm not dead. : P I'm alive and well....and well...yeah. ttyl! hit me up if you wanna chat.
<3 Jean
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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UI got scrweed today in colorguard! Well..we all did. We were like in half of the show, and the music skipped to the end because it was scratched by the guy who put it in...and they didn't let us perform it again. So we got 8th placee (out of 9 schools. And mrs naylor said that if we hadn't had that accident, we coulda taken the min of 3rd or so)
And what sucks is that it was like a few counts right before my flag work during the fast part, and I had it in my hand and it skipped right there. : (
But we still got 8th out of 9, and we didn't even show out whole show...lol
That one other school musta sucked BADLY
But anyways...on the plus side...I went to downtown pasadena today..and I loved what I wore.
And I was acting so snobby, coincided, rich, bitch-like, and mighty...
And I loved it.
Oh and totally evil..It was awesome.
I think I just felt like doing it...since I never do. I felt like I could be hot, even though I'm not for a night. : \ It felt good
Yesterday was fun
Well the parts I wasn't depressed...
But yeah, it was fun
Today was fun too..except for the whole getting evil and twisted after we went through that accident.
I liked my new attitude...well..it's more like my old attitude. It's just that with all that depressing stuff going on with me lately, I've lost it..
I love how I was acting today..
I feel alive..and out there..and carefree...and undepressed...
Buti t's so fun..and it fits good with what others think of me...
It's just me that doesn't let myself allow myself to...and makes me feel inferior to alot of things or people..and gets me depressed..
And gets me...all quiet...
Yes...I'm not kidding. My hidden side came out today...
IIt was fun.
I like my real side though..heh. I'll be less depressed from now on if it means I can act like I did...but we'll see. There's alot of things that I can get depressed over. >_>
'Night does make things look better!" said my friend.
hahaha haha. totally. including life..as I saw tonight
For UCR, I have to pay..you know how much for all of college?
6 dollars! hah. A free ride practically, and I got 1000 dollar scholarship otehr than that, so yeah..free ride. And I get 1000 something for personal money, plus money my parents give me..and my job..I'm going to be living the good life. : )
I wanna get into ucla though
I hear word from it later this month
Something funny.. Mrs Naylors son came today..and he's cute. But anyways, he saw the show, or at least What we did so far. >_> (Stupid cd guy!!! ARGH) but anyways, at the end, with mrs naylors closing speech at the end, right before we get off the bus to go home, she said today was good and hard work, and that her son was there, and he liked teh show. "And that he really liked Jean." and everyone on the bus did the "Oooooooo" and "YEAH!!" and "GO JEAN!" and "YEAH! JEAN THE MAN" It was awesome. and funny.
He's not gay, he just saw that I was the ebst guy there, and that I performed, and I'm doing flag work...and I rule. :)
and the girls from JV call me 'THE Man" cause I rule,a dn tehyc all Robert the "Wannabe Man" haha
Colorguard rules..lol
Today was fun...other than the accident. Yesterday was fun..except for the part about being depressed over not having anyone....but...I'm enjoying life I guess...Guess I'll just try more.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, February 25th, 2005
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My Dream....I had last night.
I'm not exactly sure what it was all about. But I'm guessing it was around Christmas or something?I remember an event where the guy I will talk about came in in a sled or something. I dunno...
But anyways...I had a dream...perfect. About like the most perfect guy. Lol. He was hott, had a nice body, seemed muscular cause I remember putting my hand on his shoulder and thinking that. He was sweet, and caring...and very romantic sounding. And...just...wanted to be with me. Wether it be in an event, or rehearsing for something. (I remember it was for Pit) and yeah..he would always be there..talking with me and just being there for me. And I would flirt with him alot...and I know something happened between us...for two reasons. One...we talked alot, in different situations and at one point, he was sitting, I sat in a chair in back of him and I had my arm around him, sitting very close to him. I don't know if I put my head on his shoulder..but yeah. And second..I remember a kissing part..lol SO yeah. Man...things like that make me happy. To know that at least in my dreams, something as good as that can happen. Hehe. I don't exactly remember how he looked but I remember thinking he was fucking hott..lol. Ic an't remember his face...as it is in most dreams of course. He was a bit shorter than me...and I remember he wanted to join the army...or something. Cause I remember him in an army shirt...and then later checking the Army Web Site...and then..him wearing a whiteish greyish shirt that had the army logo...but...he always had me there. And I had him there....and...I guess we were each other's. : ) Heh...
Only in my dreams.....
Anyways..yeah...And then I had a weird part of the dream, where I had my camera, and I took a picture of myself, and then I looked in the mirror and this ugly green scaley stuff appeared on my left cheek.EWWWWW...it grossed me out. When I thought about it aftewards...gave me the chills....
But yeah...I want to find my person. I have to deal with a few people in my life. Some broken up with their lovers....some having problems with their loves who seem to be doing things to them, some who have some drama between their boyfriends or girlfriends. And there are some who like....just argue with their bf or gf for no reason....Yeah. I help them out...I hold the sympathy they want, for whatever side I'm on, or trying to be balanced...I normally talk to both people when they are arguing. Argh. It's hard to be a friend for both at the same time..But I do it. I'm talented..Lol. Sometimes they don't even know I do things...but most times they do. I don't like hiding too much of that stufff cause more drama comes up.
But during all this drama...well....lemme just tell you...most times....and I said most, not all...most times...they end up making up. Going back to each other...and making out. And if they are in real life, start to make out in front of me. >_< Haha. Yeah...they got off and on and off and on..and they have each other. No matter how many times they argue, whoever they are, or no matter how many couples it is I deal with........
....I'm still alone. People go on and off..and etcetera...and I'm still the same. Hah. Sad.They argue about having someone, knowing they'll just make up, or find someone if they have someone, it shouldn't be hard to find someone else afterwards....
And I'm here not even having anyone to argue with. Or to be stupid with...or...to even have drama with. Drama normally makes a relationship stronger afterwards. If it works..that means that they are strong together. But I don't even have that.......ermm....pleasure of doing that. Yeah, i'm alone.
Alone and single...and hating it. I don't even have people to be with off a relationship...: \ *sigh* It sucks to be alone....
At least I have friends. I have alot of friends I can talk to...and some friends that can be there for me no matter what. Also, I dlo performing arts....and I have time to forget about life....and just rehearse how to perform...and PERFORM! Forget about this lonely, depresssign life I live. When I'm performing, rehearsing, or even just talking abotu stuff, I forget about life. I'm happy. Living in a false reality? No..just brushing it off for a sec. I'm Happy...just like I am with my dreams. Wether it be the ones I have even before I sleep, to the ones during sleep.
In my dreams I saw you,
In my dreams you were mine.
Then my eyes saw the light,
And you faded from my heart.
Four lines....about my dreams....
Will these dreams ever come true? Will I ever find the one person I want to find in my life? Will he ever appear...? Answer to that..To be continued. Lol In some entry I hope. In the entry I finally say "I'm Happy. I have found him" That would be the day...*sigh*
Well...I bid you Adeiu now....Bye...
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Sunday, February 20, 2005
ARGH. I thought I told myself I wouldn't get a crush on anyone...I promised myself that I would keep my mental barrier up. That I wouldn't get emotional, and that I WOULDN'T fall for anyone. Then I had to go and like someone..Well it's easy to fall off out of I guess. There are a few reasons. The person isn't what I would want them to be...you guys know. and anyways...even if the person was..I wouldn't have a chance. Lol...So yeah. Whatever. I'll end it quickly. But I'm glad that I know this. Cause it's hopefully easier to get out of. Those two main reasons. The second reason fits with me on everything though...Main reason I don't wanna fall for anyone is cause I think I don't have a chance. And if I do..I don't wanna try cause..if it turns out I don't, then I'll get hurt. Either..way..I could get hurt. Thing is..I get hurt just knowing I can't or that I don't wanna try. To I end up getting hurt whatever way I go. It sucks.
I've just realized, that really...if there's anyone that does read this..it's only people that know me and know about it. So I shouldn't really hide anything..like how the person I'm talking about is a guy. : P That's something that shouldn't be a surprise if they know. If they don't...then come talk to me..I'll tell you why it's a guy. : P
But yeah..I hate it. I try telling people...not to fall under the spell of someone until they know something will happen...you know. In order not to get hurt....and to do things slowly. I've been through alot...more than people know. I help out people with alot. I tell them things...some may think "what does he know?! Shut the fuck up" or something...but if they were to just listen to me........they would come out good. It's hapened alot. I dunno...
I feel people stop having the need to talk to me sometimes. I'm honest about certain situations and realistic. but yeah..we'll see what happens in the future.
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005
My mind is a powerful thing. I've been thinking about this for a while now....My mind is so strong, that no matter what, my dreams, wether it be my fantasies or daydreams, can be the key to happiness in my life. I don't have alot of the things I want in life right now...but in my Dreams...I can be anything, and have anyone I want ...If someone was to say "In your Dreams!" to me. I'd probably smile and nod. And say. "Yes...I know". I know. Alot of people dream..everyone does in fact. But..When I'm depressed...and down. AS I just said to a friend, 'far gone into that deep abysss of darkness' I fall into, I can go to sleep, and dream, about the person or thing I want to happen in my life. I can be whatever, and for a while, I'm the happiest person in the world. Noone can pull me down...noone can hurt me...noone can make me feel like the shit that I make myself feel like. Before I head to sleep...to relax for the day or whatever....I am happy.
I try my best....to live on happily.I try not thinking about the bad stuff...try not thinking about what I think about myself, or what I imagine peopl think about me. Or what deep inside of me...what my heart, soul and mind are telling me. My mind is a dangerous, and powerful thing....it can either make me as happy as one can ever be.....or the into the worst position ever.
I always thought myself to be a bit over towards the evil side. But I seem to be a good balance of both good and evil. But..like a balance in two extremes. Normally, it's a balance, to remain neutral. But if it makes sense. I can either be Totally evil, or Totally Good. A balance as the two extremes make it so I'm just less than one than the other but never neutral. I dunno if it makes sense...
I don't know what else to write...oh yeah.
I always wonder..I've never said this before outloud for people to see. It's been hidden in my mind. But..
It's weird....Like...I wrote a poem about fantasy and suspicion. What I meant with that poem..(which I wrote on myspace as a blog)...is that..sometimes..I get looks. From some guys. Straight guys...at school for example. and like..it makes me wonder. What are those looks? It could be a look of "Aahh..look the fag looks at me. He probably likes me or something" or it could be one of "I wonder if he's looking at me. Hey, I'm so good even guys look at me" Or........it could be....a look of....interest? In return? I don't know. I always wonder...certain guys..It's been more than a one time thing too. For example, one day with some guy, I was walking, and then I walked into the bathroom. He was there...and then as I went in and out and everything, thigns seemed awkward. Maybe just me...but when I left..he had left right after...I looked back and he had stopped and was looking over at me. I saw that...and then I turned casually and left. Then there's been eye contact with some same guys more than once, or a few looks...
It's a Mix. Of Fantasy and Suspicion. Here's the poem:
It’s a mix of fantasy and suspicion;
The look, the smile, and the surrounding feeling.
What is there to do knowing it’s not possible?
That it can never happen no matter what your mind tells you.
You get the smile,
You fall to your feet.
You put the info together,
Realization kills you.
You wish that what you think will happen,
Can happen,
May happen.
But it won’t happen.
Do you see me?
I see you,
And your eyes meet mine.
Yet in what I know, there is nothing.
Fantasy more than suspicion,
Wish for suspicion coming true, is the fantasy.
So there is more suspicion than fantasy,
Since fantasy is led by suspicion.
Yet no matter how much things happen,
You must walk knowing there is nothing that can happen.
Unless you gave me a sign,
That there is something to be.
Show me the signs that something must be done,
A first attack on the clouded mind.
The look shows one thing,
Real life shows the other.
The look is fatal to emotion,
The feelings are strong, yet unreal.
To have a fantasy come true,
Would be a fantasy completed on it’s own.
Suspicion comes from fantasy,
Yet Fantasy leads to suscion.
It’s a long lived question,
To which is true and which is false.
Both are false emotions of just distant view,
As you know nothing can happen with either.
I sit, hoping that either one was to happen or was true,
Yet I know none are to be done.</i>
Yeah....It's funny. It's a suscicion..to wonder if they like me..or if they are gay or something...but on the other hard...my mind may be so powerful, that I just make my fantasies about the situation make me pretend that that's whats going on. Heh. I hate it when my mind plays tricks with me....But yeah. I've never said this outloud...or wrote it out in the open. It's weird...cause it's kinda like...or means I have some sort of confidence..if that is happening. But...who knows. It might be bad stuff tooo..Haha. But if only it was true..if those looks and...thoughts went both ways. Not only from me...Hehe.
Dreams....most powerful thing I have to make my happiness.
Live on without expectations, and that happiness, will be that much happier.
"Well...go through the motions, enjoying life the best we can with no expectations. Making the moment of happiness that much greater, and the moment of sadness not as much of a dissapointment..."
It's what I said....It's what I've lived like. Once things happen..THEN I sort them out. And see what happens...But....how good is it to live that way? Seems like the best....but why am If eeling the way I am? Well main reasonc ause I drove away from living that way for a bit.I fell for someone...or fell...in wanting someone. That one special person to come for me. I guess I can just come in talking about that now. Might as well...
That one person. The one guy....that would make me feel like I was the greatest in the world no matter what happens. If we were to argue....he would want to even beg me to talk, as I would do the same. We would be confortable joking, yet playing around with each other. But at the same time, be romantic and be in a passionate relationship. That one person that would want me no matter what I do, and I would give those same feelings back. One that would want to be with me...and wouldn't just let me go..would look for me...and want to be with me. One I find the most attractive ever..and I love to be with. That I feel confortable being with no matter what, and I know that no matter what happans, I could just run into his arms and nothing bad would be happening to me..Everything would go away just being around him...and in his arms....all clouds of sorrow and darkness would go away and we would be on our cloud of happiness...
Haha..It's so lame...Wonder if I'll find that person....But yeah...hard eh?
I wanna find you.....Please...Stop running away...Just come to me....hold me...and let me feel what I want to feeel.
*sigh*
I'm done...i've gone long enough..............If you really read it all..thanks.
Bye.
(Two entries put into my xanga for here in order of date)
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Sunday, February 20th, 2005
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LJ Friends Meme by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) coolerq• You must tell 6 people about this game.
• Edwin is the one that you love.
• James is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Jeannette.
• Jessica is the one who knows you very well.
• Robert is your lucky star.
• On My Own is the song that matches with Edwin.
• In the Still of the Night is the song for James.
• Can't fight the moonlight is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and What you own is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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People are weird. And yeah...here's some real me. I don't even know if anyone reads this or not..but whatever. Here's the deal...
....I hate life. I hate my life in particular. I'm alone, nobody likes me or at least I'm confused on who does and who doesn't, I don't have anyone special in my life, I have reason to believe if I liked anyone, I would never have a chance with anyone, I don't like myself, I have low-self esteem when I actually say something about myself. In ALL areas I have low self esteem, wether it be about looks, personality, friendships, confidence, the arts, the things I do...etc, etc. etc. Why? I don't get it. I don't want to say anything good about myself cause I don't know. I feel like all I will get is "Ewww..since when are you allowed to think that?" So I just go on with what I think of myself, and yeah. It's depressing. I don't even know why I'm writing it here on Xanga, since people I know read it. But whatever...real me is here.
I lack self esteem...I have no confidence in alot of things...I feel like people look down upon me..I feel people use me. I feel people don't like me. I feel like I shouldn't be living, and that my life is useless. That I am not needed by anyone..that I don't or shouldn't be out there cause noone could care less about me. Who gives a shit...whatever. It brings me tears to think of this. It might all be fake..but it might all be true. Or partly. Whatever...I hate life.
I get to tears...yes...I have nothing special in my life that would make me apreciate it. Noone special in my life that could confort me and let me relax, noone to help me out during this stage, nobody to count on knowing that whatever happens they will be there....I feel like if I get angry with anyone, nobody would ever feel sad that I stopped talking to them. That they would go on with their life normally, and I would be the one suffering. I feel alone in the world...
Drama? Maybe....Reality? Yes. I can't help but realize all this. It's true...I don't see it happening in my life. But whatever...I ignore it. I have things to get my mind off it. I have choir, which is what I lack in most in confidence, or ability I think but I do it to forget, and Theatre which I seem to have more ability, but never the actual words telling me I have it, and colorguard. I perform there..I seem to a good performer, but I can't do too much guard work. I'm getting better..but I feel like an idiot.
See? Whatever I do..I don't even know if I'm good at. I just do it...and get far sometimes, but...that doesn't really mean I'm good at it. I just figure I have good luck...and that my dedication to the arts gets me higher. Too bad dedication doesn't work on people too. No matter how much dedication you have with people, they don't have to care. No matter how much you care for someone....that doesn't mean you go far with someone. You can be standing left empty and alone. I can care for someone all I want...but nowhere does it mean that the same will be held back.
What a surprise...Surprise, surprise. Me alone...and feeling useless. How surprising. Maan..I hate talking about all this. I get into tears..Like I am now. Tears are falling and I can't prevent them.
Tears fall...a rolling river of empty feelings. My tears fall alone into a single abyss of darkness which engults my very being.
I don't care for any symphathy or for anyone to care. I've come to realize the less I hope for that, the less dissapointment I'll have in life. The less I like people, the less dissapointment I'll have if they don't like me back.
I hate crushing over someone cause I hate being crushed.
I hate caring for someone, cause the care might be one wayed.
I hate life...cause life hates me.
Hey at least if I ever have to cry for a scene...it should be easy. I just think about life....
Thanks everyone...Thanks life. I love you for making me sad and giving me the gift of being alone. I take it as a gift. It's all I have. Myself...and I don't even like that much.
Heh...Wow. I'm pathetic. Well don't worry...I'll keep on living. Yeah, sorry to dissapoint. I'm not stupid enough to end a life. Even if it is my own. I'm strong...when it comes to that.
I'll keep that smile on my face....the smile that shows I'm trying to forget about how reality is. The smile of fantasy. The smile of false emotions...
I love this..Man. I love crying. Don't you? I love crying over life...and what a dissapointment it is. Hahaha...I can laugh about this. How life sucks...Whatever.
I need to stop crying now. So bye.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, February 13th, 2005
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The plays'...allright I guess. It's going slow..I'm worried about how it's going to turn out for march..
See? The play I was lead in went waaay much faster. ; )
was that the plant one?
And then when the director decided to let another director direct, and give the lead to that director's son, we go all slow..
little shop of horros
No. I'm not going to be able to do it...I don't have 275 dollars, nor the time to be there every saturday till march.
I have colorguard which is what takes up most of my time now a day after school
colorguard?
whats that?
During school, It's Choir. I have three choirs now..Chamber Choir (Acapella), Concert Choir, and Mens Choir...
It's this thing that people run around and dance, toss flags and rifles and sabers into the air, spin them a bunch..and do tricks
It's part of the band program..and normally it's a lot of girls doing it
Well still is...But I'm working on getting guard work. Right now, all I do is dance and walk around fixing my jacket and checking out girls. >_< Lol
Our show is Grease...
But at least I'm the main guy of the guys. Me and this other guy are the two leads with total different drill than the rest, and the others have a bit of moves, then go behind backdrops. : P And then during Greased lighting, I take some stagetime, and then before the show too with the captain, and yeah..we're adding stuff. Soon enough if I ever get unretarted and do it right, we'll add rifle work. I'm better on flag right now through. >_<
There aren't any characters in specific, just depends on what things you do, which characterizes as what type of character you are. And I'm The Danny character. There are two main guys (Danny and kenique) in a way, and I'm danny, and he plays the kenique role.
(It's all from a conversation..so if it doens't make sense...figure it out. : P)
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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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Meh..I don't think things are going to work out as in relationship or anything. We were supposed to be dating, but I'm not going to lie to myself..I don't feel anything, and it doesn't feel right with him for him to be 'that special person' in my life
*shrugs* I wanna find the right person..
Hah, Don't worry. I'm not feeling bad over it. I just want to find the right person for me...Someone I feel comfortable with, and can have actual conversation, especially online, where one is normally more open.
With Andrew..I don't know. I feel nothing now. Like for example, one thing that bugs me, is like on conversations, we never talk about anything....like on conversation on myspace mail:
Him: Hey wats krakin?
me: Not much just blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Etc.
Him: (next day) Hey hotti wats krakin?
Omg...Same thing over and over. And on the phone, it's always random stuff...
And overall with everything else, he's not what I've been looking for.
Never has anythign else to say...with others, we write paragraphs in talk. : \
And like at first, it felt special to talk to him, but afterwards, feelings just faded. It wasn't the same and I felt nothing.
Plus..it's far away. I need to be with someone I can be around with like alot. I can hang around with, be with, let him hold me in his arms and just be with him in contact more often. I can't do this distance thing.
My friend Robert told me he still likes me like ALOT. I don't..but he was feeling depressed over his boyfriend Andy who's andrew's friend, and he was touching me, so I let him play with my tool during the play and on the bus. and I gave him a few kisses nicely. But Id on't feel anything for him either. SO no.
And this girl told me she would do things with me if I wanted, and then I told her I was gay. XD I'm being such a heartbreaker. >_>
I'm still looking and waiting for that person to come to me...I would try to talk to guys at school...But all of them suck as in being a gay guy. : \ So I'm screwed there.
Just gotta be patient...is all. I need to keep telling myself that...so I don't get depressed that I have noone.
I'm not going to be like I have been. Person: "I like you" Me: *I want someone* "Okay. Lets get together."
>_> It's how both my relationships have been, the girlfriends I had I mean.
I want someone close to me...that calls me sweet things. Likes to talk to me..leaave me sweet cute messeges...and just want to be around me. And talk with me about things..etc...*sigh*
When will it be my turn to be happy when it comes to that stuff?
WellI had fun at the CETA Theatre Conference. A bunch of hott guys to check out. Lol I was going to talk to one today, but I chicked out. It's different from talking to strangers for others, than for myself. Heh. But it was all fun.
One class...it was a Musical Theatre Dance class. I got picked to be in a group solo emsemble at the end. Yay. Then my other friend did for the second group and we laughed our asses off. I got compliments afterwards, some girl said I was pretty good and the instructor said I did a good job, and the guy I was checking out the whole time, took off his shirt and went into just a tight muscle shirt. My god...sexy. Lol He's the one I was going to talk to. I'd had eye contact quite some times throughout the two days, and even danced with him in some game where there's a circle, people go around, and when the song if done, you dance with them front action, side and back, touching asses. Hott stuff. ; ) Lol. It was hott. That guy picked me, and then some other guy afterwards. Yay.
I wanna go to another one...they are sooo much fun. I was in such a good mood the whole time. Even now. I walked my friends to their houses too, cause I wanted to walk after it was all over when we came back to school. then I walked to blockbuster and checked out these guys when I went over with my brother...hehe.
Well I guess I'll stop for now. I'll write about whatever later. Oh but I've been feeling weird with certain friends. I wonder what they really think of me, or how I act, an wha they think of it and all. But whatever..I'll ignore it and see.
Bye!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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My brother got up from sleeping, talking about some type of space game, and if my shirt was something about space. then went back to sleeping. XD
Lol He talks in his sleep.
He was like half asleep right now, but he was talking and responding. It was funny
He got up asking something about if it was a space game. I was like What? He said. Your shirt. I said what about my shirt? What space is it? then turned off his cd player and went back to sleep. o.o I was like wtf? lol
But yeah...just wanted to say my story and then go to sleep. Byebye!
(This taken from a conversation with Peter. Just took my parts in. XD)
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, January 7th, 2005
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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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| Subject: | New Years |
| Time: | 10:13 pm. |
| Mood: | Depressed/DETERMINED. | | Music: | Wicked-Defying Gravity. |
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New years! A new year! 2005! My Graduationn year..the year I start my life as a person in the real world...Scary..But it's there. Yeah...Time to start a new year.
Resolutions: Work out, get better at acting/singing/dancing. Working out. Getting a man in my life. Be happy.
It's funny...all these happy things, yet I feel so alone and empty inside. : ( I want someone near me to hold me, tell me everything will be allright, let me daze off in their arms...and just want to be with me. Someone I feel comfortable with, that I can be with alot. And then be with for a long time. Someone to tell me they love me..and I can say it to them. Being truthful...
I also want a real real best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything...I think Ihave some. I just haven't realized it.
It's weird cause maybe the reason if I haven't tried to let out my feelings. I never let them out freely. I always hold them in, or just not say them out loud to others. They don't know them...I always hide them deep within me...but I talked to some people today and told them things. And they said I could let it out to them. SO maybe I do have some friends like that...I just never realized it. I always feel useless when I tell people cause I get shy to say my real feelings over my problems. ButI'll try..see what happens.
But we'll see how all this works out. I wanna feel good about my self. I want to be able to say. I like how I am or look. But it's a while before I can. The stuff be it called acne or wha the body needing work to work out, flattening of stomach completely and building muscle...All this. Can be attained this year. I hope, and I will make it happen...Plus getting better at acting/singing/dancing and colorguard. I want o get my car, my licence, and get into the university I want. UCLA beign the one I want the most...
We'll see. 2005! I'm ready! Gimme all you got! I will succeed!
I'm Here. I will be victorious....And nobody in all the world, is ever gonna bring ME DOWN! : ) (LAst part taken from Wicked)
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday I went to knotts. I was with Andrew the whole day. I hugged him, and when he gave me my christmas gift, which was a pin that said "Drama Queen" I kissed him. So cute. : ) AS we walked, we talked and when we got to Ghost Rider, during the line, I started kissing him, and then someguy said "Awww That's Gross.Stop it" so I did...since I was the one that started. : \ Lol. Stupid homophobes. Same thing happened on the Log Ride. I sat down, and he was in front of me, and he leaned back onto me and I put my arms around him, and then some guy said "FAGS!" and I was like "loser..." and yeah. Anyways..we didn't have any more problems..but it's stupid. But whatever. We had out time...during the Snoopy Ice show. We went to the very top, and it was dark. At a few spots, we gave each tother small kisses. Then at dark times, I pulled him in and kissed him more and well yeah. Frenching and all. Yeah..Anyways, on we went more rides. I forced him on some rides he didn't want to go on..Lol. He doens't like rollercoasters. Lol >=D I'm a good brainwasher. It's why I'm going to study to be a lawyer. : ) Anyways, also, during bigfoot rapids, w were getting towards a cave and he told me to close my eyes. So I did..and he kissed me. : P Awww..how cute. Then next round, on our donut for water ride alone, we made out a bit, while we had time. Lol We were getting wet at the same time lol Well we hanged out till 8:30 when I left. We went to MCdonals at 7:30 and talked to my friend Jessica on the phone. I bought her a littel snoopy keychain. But the dya was fun. I met a few people that he knew that worked there, since he works there.He took me backstage at knotts, he told me stories about knotts, and like the boat of the lady that died on perilous plungue, that's still there filled with bloodstains. : P Scary eh? Well it was fun.
We are meetiing again on Monday. Me ,Robert and Jessica are going to Buena Park to hang out with Andrew and Andy the whole day. : )
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 31st, 2004
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Hey guys. Well first of all..don't I feel stupid? I took my permit test on Monday, and then failed.Even after I already took and passed it once last year. : \ Oh well..I'll try again next week.
My Christmas was okay.Kinda sucked. New years should be around the same. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to be. Either at my Uncles' house for a party, or at my house just here. *shrugs* Either way...bored. I didn't get too many Christmas Presents this year. My parents count my senior expenses as Christmas Gifts. Which sucks....:\ But they did say they would buy me a DVD player. : D
About the new play....Runaways. It sounds like a good play...It's pretty good I guess. I got the Co-Lead. : \ Sterling is directing this one...and Bryce....got the Male Lead. : ( My part is Anne something. Well Andrew now. It was a female Co-Lead turned to male...I guess due to the fact that there was more guys, and for me. Since the other guy parts are all minors...and I needed to have a good role at least. : \ It sucks. I hate it. Lol...But I still have Little Shop of Horrors. But what are the chances I get Seymour....I don't know. I think I could pull it off. Who knows. Oh well...We'll see WHENEVER THE AUDITIONS ARE FINNALY THERE! God..It's been forever...And MY GRASE DVDs ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! Gooodddddd....taken forever for those! Since August! Jeez...
I went to Knotts today. Hanging around with Andrew the whole day. For those who know...you guys know who it is. It was fun. : ) I wish Robert and Jessica could have gone, and then Andy would have gone, and we could have had another Disneyland, at Knotts. : ( Well we still have Monday! We are going over to Andy's house and then go out and have fun. Just us 5 I think. I'm not sure. It's gonna be fun...
Welll...if you read my name..I guess you'll understand a bit more if I explain. Obviously. I never know anything about my life. Or life. Whenever I do something, experience something, are something, or even meet someone...I always doubt. I ask questions. I fear it. I get unconfident. I get suspicious. I get paranoid. I get crazy and insane. I get...Well I never know. For example. With Acting, Singing, Dancing...My Triple threat I've been doing. Am I good? Well Dancing and Singing, are pretty new. Well Dancing not really, but I don't know how good I am. I have rhythm I believe...I just need to move more. But I've gotten pretty loose. In the non-sexual way I mean after my musical I was in. Singing...I don't know.Who knows about that....Haha. No one ever tells me anything, so I'm guessing no? Heh. Whatever though....I love singing. I'll just go on doing it even if I turn out to be bad. XD Acting...It's my passion. It is what I'm determined to do. And be...But am I a good actor? Am I good on stage? I hear I am..But am I? I don't get as much compliments as those others have in the past years. Maybe I don't take up to how they were. Or maybe I do, but I just haven't heard them? I don't know. I really wish people would tell me. But then again.....You know...I don't know. I haven't cared and I've gone on. I didn't get the lead this time though. : \ It could be cause he's also a senior...and the director's son....and we were to divide the parts between the seniors, but what if it wasn't? What if it was on skill? I lost to Bryce? But I didn't even audition....Maybe my Lead role was my audition. But no..I heard the role was set from the start. So it's not by skill...It was by....Well, it could have been a sort of favoritism. Lead role goes to son. Haha. Go figure. But I don't know. Grrrr...I hate that I have problem with Diction. I HATE IT! WHY?!!?! Is it becuase I've been quiet, and just barely I'm learning how to talk? I've gotten better I heard, but still. I've been quiet all my life, and then when I open up, I have to have it good but I have trouble. I need to read outloud more, develop better vowels and all. I need to work on it..But it can be fixed right? Does fixing teeth work? Does that make me worse as an actor? How did I do in Radium Girls? How am I? AmI any good? What do people think? Is there any way to findo ut???
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
*sigh* Okay calm down. Then there's the thing with people. How am I? In attractiveness. I hear people tell me compliments with people I talk online with ALL the time. Tell me..well...compliments. Fine I'll say it. Call me Hott, Cute, adorable, attractive, sexy even from some. But what the hell? SINCE WHEN?!?!?! I call a lot of them liars, and they say no. They are random people...they don't have a reason to lie. But I mean...maybe it's my pictures. I do look better in my pictures I have taken and put up. I take preparation, and then take them. Maybe it's just online though....maybe, in Person I'm just worse and so not the person I look like in pictures I show online....Well the stupid crap on my face that came on a while back doesn't help. At least It's getting better than before, but still. GOD! Makes me feel horrible. and then I need to work more body work. And then...ARGH. Look how confusing my life is. I never get any of those compliments in real life. But does anyone? Well yes..but it's always behind back. Yes..compliments behind people's back. But does anyone think that of me? Do people think the same as how people think online? WTf..Man. I've had some people tell me, but really? : \ I need people to tell me, but then if they do, I doubt it, and start wondering if they are lying, or why they are, or if everyone in the world just wants to try to make me feel better adn tells me. Lol..Stupid? Well It's come to mind.
SEE WHY I"M WORSE THAN A BLONDE! God..I bet they have more sense than me...And get less confused. Plus, I'm a ditz sometimes too. :P But anyways...yeah...My life sucks sometimes. Then I tell my friends..sometimes I get brave and tell them what I feel and they tell me to shut up. : \ As in don't think that, I'm just being dumb and it's not true. But are they saying the truth? Argh..I Guess..but they are friends...supposed to make me feel better....
Here's something people already know. I'm very....strange. I help people. I give advice. I...offer my services of friendship. I'm always there for people. I always...help. Here's something people may not know... I never say my feelings. I'm always keeping this mask of happiness out there. I never bring out the darker, other side, where all my thoughts and deep feelings are. My questions about life. My self confidence. My questions about myself. What I feel about myself and others. What I want. What I dream. What I hate. My feelings. My thoughts. My heart and soul. All of that...I can never find a way to talk to people about it.I just don't. I don't show that side. But I mean...people don't want to see it right? They want the happier side. I mean, even still, it was different for me to have a smile all day a while back, or in any picture, because I don't have a truthful smile too many times...My laughs...they feel fake sometimes, like I could stop laughing any second and keep a straight face. An actor type of thing. I don't remember a good, real, truthful laugh in a while. Probably have, but inside..different feeling. I have a dark, twisted mind.In the fun way, and in teh way that...I feel alone, and empty sometimes.....Well..it's just part of me.
This is my Xanga. I don't write this type of stuff here. I use my other journal that has EVERYTHING about me there. My real feelings...my real everything. But I mean...the people that read it are all people I know online. Whoever reads it of course. Anyone on my friends list if they read actually. I don't know...But...people in real life...have this one. I've written so much today. So many things...I don't want them to go out there, so people know really what I think. Even here saying my true feelings, there is one thing I hadn't said, that only some people know. You guys know what I'm talking about right? : P But yeah...It does suck that you can't really be yourself yourself. No...I am myself. I am me in front of people. But I don't know how to explain. I'm myself, but I just keep emotions inside. But there are some things I can't really talk about in the open....And like...well whoever reads this.Probably cares. So thanks....But...here is the entry with alot of true feelings. Want to get to know me? Well you just did a bit more. Thanks.
Goodbye.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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got a Dog tag that says
Jean
Bestest Bro
Thanks Brokken. <3
And a postcard and a stocking <3
I got pajamas from my cousin with a secret santa thingy...
A cookie basket thingy from one of my best friends.
That's it so far.
Oh and some Christmas Cards from some people.
I really didn't get anything, but my parents and my brother say theywill get me something, even if it has to be after Christmas, because some money stuff came up and couldn't buy stuff before. And...yeah. I didn't really care.
But I bought stuff for people. ^_^ I was happy to have given stuff out this year.
My guy said he bought me something. <3 I feel special... : )
My Christmas wish...is...Well the only thing I really wanted for Christmas, was someone special in my life. My guy comes close, but so far, nothing too dep has happened. All I know is that we both like each other alot. We both are the same when it comes to these things, so it's gonna be weird to when we decide to talk about us liking each other and seeing if we...become more than just the friends we are. It's gonna take a while I think. I don't know...But that's a gift that I'm waiting to see if I get. It's my Christmas Wish...
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 24th, 2004
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| Subject: | CALL! |
| Time: | 12:11 am. |
| Mood: | Angsty/Need to Calm down. | | Music: | The Point Of No Return- Phantom of the Opera. |
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I give up. Why do guys have to be so dumb about talking on the phone? Just call! >_>
Well I'm a guy too..But still. I have proof cause I'm like that too sometimes, but...I'm not talking about me this time. >_<
Yeah..>_> Or why say you'll call and you don't. *sigh*
Andrew said he'd call me when he got to west hollywood yesterday and he didn't. I called him when he was going home.Then he said he'd call when he got home...And..yeah. Nothing. : \ And he always says he has to go, or is busy and we'll talk the next day. But later my friend and his boyfriend are talking, and his boyfriend and my guy arel ike best friends and are always at his house.
If one has time, the other should too. >_<
Me and my friend Jeannette..we both are getting angry with our guy's phone problems. XD
Just call damnit...their making us doubt how much they care or want to talk to us. Mine more. >_<
I mean it's only been 5 days since the day we met and all but still...Shouldn't it be the time you want to call the most to get to know them more? lol
It's so confusing. Gets me mad...
O well.
Cause I know he likes me alot...he told my friends and even broke up with his boyfriend the other day...
We met at Disney. He's my friend's boyfriend's friend. My friend's boyfriend went to disneyland with us and then he brought some friends. I met him there and we started talking. He gained a crush on me which I didn't know till later, and I like him and got a crush on him too. But later, when he has told that to my friends, and they started to slowly pair us up together on rides and such...
...and I started to wonder if he liked me. Or what they were doing. Then we ended up getting closer, I started leaning on him when we were sitting, we exchanged numbers, and then we ended the night with a goodbye kiss, and nothing more. So sweet...
We've been talking, but the phone thing is getting me mad, especially since it's the only way to talk to each other at the moment. >_>
I even got a bit depressed for a bit yesterday thinking about it...But then later on another store me and my friends were walking through, my friend was talking to his boyfriend, and Andrew got the phone and asked for me to talk to me. So that made me happy..
And cleared it up some doubts. But still. *sigh*
I'm stressing and being paranoid about a maybe relationship. I gotta stop before I screw something up. *sigh* Calm down Jean...Stay calm.
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Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
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It was awesome! I loved that movie. It was an actual musical...and it was awesome.
I talked to Andrew before the movie. He called. <3 and then I watched the movie after leaving a long messege about me being confused to wether I was leaving a message or talking to myself. It was funny. Then after the movie, I called him and said hey and all. He said he had to go. I started to wonder if he really wanted to talk to me. Cause like he had to go off into his house, or arrived somewhere, and he said bye, till tommorow. : \ I was wondering if maybe I was thinking too much of this thing. I was feeling down. My friends asked me but I said nothing and put out a smile, fake of course. But then later, we were walking around at Wal Mart after Petsmart, which is when I was thinking and getting sad...and then Robert was talking to Andy, and then he passed me the phone saying someone wanted to talk to me. : ) It was Andrew. So we talked for a while more and all. : ) I was happy...And then later, once more after I passed it back to Robert, then back to me after. : P Then later on, once more Robert was talking to Andy, and Andrew asked to talk to me to say Bye. I said goodnight but he didn't say it. : ( But still. : ) <3 And then...Robert said to call him and say goodnight. I wondered why he didn't talk to me while he walked home...and then Andy said he was carrying thigns home so he couldn't. I was relieved to hear that. : ) Then when I got home, I called before he went to sleep, and said Goodnight and he said it. He said it was like Sweet that I did that. He went "Awww.." Before my living room gave me no signal.But we talked for a bit, before he said he was tired so he was going to sleep, still ahvign one more day of school adn said he would call me from West Hollywood tommorow when he went with his uncle. : ) He's so cute...
We'll see how things go. I feel happy when I say my story from Disneyland. <3 Well yeah.
It was Robert, Jessica and Me who went to see Phantom of the Opera and all that stuff we did. It was fun...Well Bye!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
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THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jean
2. JC
3. Jeanie
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. JEANOMAR
2. TheSpikester626
3. Lovesickpuppy626
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My eyes
2. My artistic ability
3. My ability to do lawyer/psycology stuff
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. It used to be appearance, according to everyone around me, I'm hot. o.o So I guess I'm not bad? o.O
2. My indeciciveness
3. My unconfidence
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Mexican
2. Salvadorean
3. Spanish I guess? o.O
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. CLOWNS!
2. Evil sounds at night
3.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. MUST do hair
2. Must put on some makeup o.o
3. Must take shower
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Medium Black shirt
2. Larger than me blue jeans
3. Blue boxers
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR ARTISTS:
1. Greenday
2. WICKED-The musical
3. Phantom of the Opera-The musical
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Music of the Night-Phantom of the Opera
2. Phantom of the Opera-Phantom of the Opera
3. Point of No Return-Phantom of the Opera
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Get things working with Andrew, Get a boyfriend.
2. Maybe more sexual stuff? o.o
3. OMG HAPPINESS
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love
2. Comfortability
3. Understanding
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I love Acting
2. I want a boyfriend
3. Girls rule. (HA, Isn't hard to see which one is the lie. XD)
THREE THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Males: Nice body
2. Males: Nice erm....heh. Yeah.
3. Males: Good personality and talkative
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Run. I can't run. ;-; I'm a walking kind of person.
2. Go on a diet. I try but I always miss it
3. Exercize. >_> I should more though.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. GUYS!
2. ACTING
3. SINGING
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Be with a guy I like...and do things. Romantic or sexual, don't care.
2. Owning large amounts of money
3. Suck....the money out of banks and put it into my wallet. >=D
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Lawyer
2. Actor
3. Psycologist? o.O
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Florida
2. Vegas
3. Andrew's house, or someonelike him
THREE KIDS NAMES:
1. Hunter
2. Peter
3. Joey (I don't know about any of these three. I never thought about it. Just picked three random ones)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Have sex
2. GO TO THE FUTURE.
3. Be happy through life
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY:
1. Brokken
2. Matt
3. Mike
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, December 20th, 2004
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| Time: | 4:18 pm. |
| Mood: | HAPPY/Dissapointed/Joyful.... |
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Everyone is telling me not to feel bad about Andrew breaking up with his boyfriend. They said I should feel happy.
I was like...good! Cause I wasn't feeling bad about it. I was just checking if I should. XD
Well I've told people my sweet story and they all love it and think it's the cutest thing ever. XD It's fun.
One thing I forgot, that was sweet, we were walking and then Jessica slapped my ass and said sorry. She said she's been telling him to do it too, and then once he did, he said "Not Sorry." I was like.."Awwwwwwww...How cute!" I like him alot...he's awesome. I wanna talk to him again. I just did a bit ago. He was shopping for gifts too. And I was telling him how my parents and brother pissed me off yesterday and like, how I got co-lead. : \
Oh yeah. I got Co-Lead in my play. I hate it. >_>
Been a pretty happy day for me to the point where I found out I got the Co-lead in the next play. : \ I was the lead in the last one...Oh well. I still have a musical to audition for. Only reason I got co-lead is becuase the one who got lead is the director's son.
But whatever! Happy Day! I won't let it get to me. : D
And plus, I made a deal to only be bitter about it 10 times. Once then, it's old.
Andrew totally recognizes how I am THE Drama Queen and not a drama queen. Cause he said this.
"Awww..Well I bet you'll still come out better than the other guy. You know why?" I asked why. He said "Cause your The Drama Queen." Awww...Howw sweet.
He said I looked cute at Disneyland. Cause we started talking about clothing and all. Heh. I told him my I need a new wardrobe and that was like one of the best stuff and I told him he looked cute. He said he looked like shit. I was like "Fuck no. You looked hott" : ) Disneyland was like the best day in the world.
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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Andrew and his boyfriend broke up. o.O It seems Andrew said it wasn't working out and it didn't feel right. o.O Right after I met him. Wow...I dunno what to think.
My friend Dan said that if Andrew broke up with his boyfriend all did that stuff with me, even though having a boyfriend, and fell for me like that, he could do it if he was with me with someone else. I don't know what to think about that. I'll hope it was a one time thing only with me...? I don't know. I'm confused. We need to talk more. I feel like shit..I thought it was because of Andrew's boyfriend thing and my confusement, then I forgot I was sick. XD So it's that. I'm actually happy, cause it means he really likes me I guess. But who knows.
I bought presents for alot of people. I learned something today. Not to care about other people, cause you end up being the bad guy. Yeah...I went to buy presents and from the start, my parents were all "Awww Omar is such a good guy that he spent his 150 dollars on his drumset to help us but it for him" and all, and it was his birthday money.
Now me, I've saved up 80 dollars, and got 80 dollars as a poll worker. I've earned my money hard. And now...he's the good guy and I'm getting no recognition, even though I'm not recieving anything in return. I really don' care that I'm not, but I like being reconized for the things I do, especially since it's such a good deed from the heart. I was getting mad cause my brother was being all stupid and not wanting anything even though everytime we go to the mall he wants them, and once he had a chance, he wanted nothing or couldn't find something he wanted, and was being all selfish. Everyone was being so selfish, while I was the one giving and giving. I was crying a few times today. I was mad. I felt better when I talked to my friend Jessica, cause I didn't have to deal with family, adn then with Andrew, happier, but it's always weird. Today because I felt sick and my talk was all snuffy from my nose being all runny. But he broke with his boyfriend...hmmm...
I invtied them to Winter Ball. They said they would come, especiall Andrew. ^_^ Maybe my christmas wish has come true...who knows. I hope so. : )
I'd be very happy.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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bored.
calm.